Relationships – Best Health

I’m 43, I’ve Been in Long-Term Relationships and I’m a Virgin By Choice

Sheima Benembarek — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 17:16:57 +0000

At around twelve or thirteen years old, Taslim began developing crushes on boys in her class, though they never lasted long. Taslim knew there was no way she could get away with having an actual boyfriend. She couldnt risk getting caught and knew better than to trust anyone at school. I had a friend who was Indian Muslim, same age as me, and she had a boyfriend, and another girl from a very conservative family told on her and tried to get her in trouble. She knew that they were being watched by adults most of the time, even while they socialized. Taslim used to go to the mall, a seven-minute walk from school, always in a group in case there was an auntie there who would report back to her parents. She once got in trouble for walking home with a neighbour simply because he was a boy.At the time, there were unsettling stories circulating about other Muslim girls. One involved a distant relative of Taslim, a second or third cousin, now in her fifties, who was pulled out of school. Taslim was told it was because her cousins older brother graduated from high school and their parents didnt want her there alone. Taslim later learned the truth was the cousins parents caught her with a boyfriend. So, I think for me, school was also this place where you can kind of fuck up and be pulled out and then your whole life is, like, compromised, because what can you do if you dont have school? Youre dependent. And being dependent was Taslims biggest fear.These types of anecdotes ingrained in her a deep apprehension of disappointing her parents. For as long as she can remember, Taslim has erred on the side of caution. Im a bureaucrat, so that makes me even more risk-averse. Its like a circle, she says. Youre risk-averse, so you end up in a risk-averse job, and then you become more risk-averse.Boys werent allowed to call her at home, either, even to ask about homework. In an eleventh-grade physics class, Taslim was the only girl in her lab group and had to get creative in order to receive calls from the boys. She and her girlfriends, who also came from conservative families, came up with strategies to get access to the landline and talk to their male classmates. I would tell the boy to call me at a certain time and Id pick up the phone. Wed have these little tricks. Another girl-friend of mine, who had the same problem, would get the guys sister to call and then the guy would come on the phone, she says with a chuckle. Taslim had friends who were boys, but these friendships remained within the confines of school grounds.There was also a certain amount of embarrassment that came with participating in social events outside of school. Rarely did her parents let her go to parties, and if they did, they chaperoned. Farida once came along to a friends birthday party at a restaurant. Youre almost like, Ill just be a hermit because its less embarrassing, she says and laughs. Living within this framework, Taslim always felt controlled. She remembers often crying herself to sleep at night, wanting more than what was allowed. Her best friends were a mix of Jewish, Chinese, and Indian Muslim girls whose parents also had strict rules for them, even if they werent necessarily religious. The ones who did have boyfriends did so secretly. None, to Taslims knowledge, were having sex. By the end of high school, Taslim had resolved to excel her way out. I was going to do well in university and get a job and be independent. And I really put my eggs in that basket. She refused to let herself be distracted by falling in love or forming lasting friendships. I wanted to make sure I could make decisions, because I was scared I was going to have to marry someone right after university, or before, or whatever. That was the reality for me and for a lot of girls of my generation in that community, she says. She remembers always operating with an underlying fear that at any moment, if she didnt behave as she was expected to, life-altering decisions would be made for her.Things didnt change very much for Taslim during her university studies in Montreal, as she continued living at home with her parents. She had a new schedule, of course, and her classes were all over campus, which made keeping track of her harder for her parents. But she never took advantage of this; she was always where she told them she would be. There were opportunities to develop friendships and a social life, but she was laser-focused on her BA, with the goal of then moving out of her parents house.

Author Sheima Benembarek

Only after landing a prestigious position in the public sector in Ottawa, at age twenty-five, was Taslim able to leave her native Montreal and parents home to live on her own for the first time. It wasnt terribly difficult getting Imran and Farida on board, however. They were proud of her career development and the good salary it provided in the nations capital; they accepted that she had to move away. Her success made it a little easier for them to swat away the occasional criticism they received from community members and extended family about their daughters Westernized lifestyle as an independent single woman. In any case, they kept an eye on her. They make sure I call every day, she tells me. Theres still a lot of control, like, What are you doing? Where have you been? They know where I am and what Im doing almost all the time.In many ways, Taslim had a new life that she was very pleased withprivacy in her personal affairs, respect at work. For nearly the first two years in Ottawa, Taslim had a roommate, which was a learning experience. She was a really conservative Muslim, a white convert and super religious. She wouldnt even wear heels or open-toed shoes. Shed never wear pants, because pants show your contours and skirts are more modest, she tells me with mild amusement. This was not the open-minded environment Taslim was looking for. She found herself an apartment she could afford on her own.Although Taslim has never been very social, shes made a few friends in Ottawa and has dated a few men. First, there was Paul, a Vietnamese British man, with whom she spent five years. Although she wasnt in love, she grew accustomed to Paul and had feelings of love for him. We didnt have a physical relationship, she says, but we were dating for that many years. That was pretty serious. The relationship ended for a couple reasons. Paul was younger than Taslim, and she felt as though he was still growing up. His parents lived in Ottawa, and he saw them all the time. Although Taslim respected his mother, a highly educated and self-made immigrant, the dynamic was off. I felt like she babied her son, and she was kind of expecting me to make him a grown-up. I knew I couldnt really do that for somebody else.The fact that Taslim wasnt having sex with Paul wasnt a problem in the beginning. They held hands, kissed, and made out. But that was it. I know he wanted to. He did try to initiate it, and then he would stop because he knew I had a line that I wouldnt cross. Her body language was always clear, and if he didnt understand it, she would gently push him off her. Her libido is low in general, and she doesnt know why that is. It could be the medication shes on for her underactive thyroid, which is linked to a low sex drive and arousal issues. Or it could be a remnant of growing up in her Pakistani household. She concedes it could also be a mix of the two.Taslim, who remains a virgin, tells me that the thought of sex scares her. Shes aware there could be a psychosocial element at play here. Her mind is filled with thoughts of doing the right thing in order to be the person her parents expect her to be, which includes being a virgin until marriage. Its possible its just the way she is. I know Im straight, but I think theres an asexual aspect to myself… I havent had intercourse, and its not something I really want to do. Im not drawn to it.She and Paul had conversations on the subject, and although she isnt sure he understood completely, he accepted things for a while. He knew that I felt like I couldnt. In time, it became enough of an issue that it was partly why the relationship didnt work out. On a handful of occasions, shes almost had sex, but she never truly wanted to.The first of these instances she describes almost as assault. Taslim was twenty-nine and was going on dates again after her breakup with Paul. I dont remember all of it. I wasnt drunk or anything like that; I just cant remember parts of it, she says. At the end of this first date, she went back with this man to his apartment, something she wasnt sure she wanted to do. He began trying to do things I didnt want him to do. She remembers fragments: sitting on his couch, being on his bed, the time on his alarm clock reading nine-something, his being very close to her and breathing heavily. But nothing much in between comes back to her. I remember saying, I want to go. And I sat in the car crying. I was very upset. And then he said, Youre like a two-year-old, in front of my condo. He was angry and claimed shed led him on. Taslim cried about this uncomfortable experience for a few days, confused about whether she was responsible for how things went that night. But even in other situations that werent scary or unpleasant, she still always pulled away and froze up.For a few months, Taslim dated Karim, a Moroccan Korean, before figuring out that he was still in love with his ex. She tried dating within her ethnic community, though one date with a South Asian man left a bad taste in her mouth. He complimented me on my skin tone. Because in my culture, its a compliment to comment on someones lighter complexion, she says and shakes her head. Which is pretty sickening. Most of the South Asian men she meets are Hindu rather than Muslim anyway, she explains. Im sure they wouldnt go there, because it would be a big issue for them too.Shes firm about not accepting help finding a partner from her family or community. She doesnt want to be set up on blind dates. The fact that shes so private and introverted makes it harder for her to consider this traditional form of dating. I dont trust people in the community. I dont want people to know anything about me. Once, long ago, an informal auntie sent Taslims mother a photograph of a young man who lived in the city. And I was like, What am I supposed to do? Some random picture of some random person, she scoffs. The idea of meeting a stranger based on an aunties recommendation almost offends her. Taslims stubbornness on this matter was a point of frustration with Farida for many years. After trying to pressure her into it, she gave up. Taslim staunchly prefers meeting men on her own. If theres someone, theres someone, Taslim says with a shrug.The year after things ended with Paul, Taslim met Tom. They worked in the same office, doing similar work in different departments, and slowly built a platonic friendship. After Toms contract was up, they went for dinner and began to pursue a romantic relationship. Even with Tomwho was loving, patient, and committed to herTaslim couldnt bring herself to have intercourse. The conversation came up a lot: Tom wanted to have a sexual relationship, as well as children, with Taslim. While he understood her strict religious background, the fact that her sexual desire for him was low remained very frustrating for him, especially five years in. But there was little that Taslim could do about it; her sex drive wasnt improving, and her comfort level with having sex wasnt changing.The couple had separate apartments for most of their relationship, but in the fourth year, Tom moved into hers. They decided to give building a life together a real shot. But living with a lover without a sexual component isnt easy to navigate, Taslim acknowledges. They had to come up with their own rules, negotiate comfort levels, and communicate a lot. On their therapists suggestion, they tried taking showers together as a form of intimacy. Taslim didnt enjoy it. I just felt it was uncomfortable and claustrophobic. I felt anxious. They cuddled in bed and slept together, unless he snored and she kicked him out, she tells me with a laugh. The furthest they ever went was oral sex. Taslim didnt feel attracted enough to the idea of reciprocating, but Tom performed it on her a handful of times. My body obviously enjoyed it. I dont know mentally if I responded to it because I felt disconnected. I felt like it was happening to me. I knew it was happening to me. But I was not in it. I didnt really feel present, she says.It reminded her of how sexual activities felt with Paul. Although he never pushed her to do anything she didnt want to do, whenever things turned sexual, she would have a visceral pullback reaction. Like Id touched something hot, and Im like, Whoa! Although Taslim never felt the urge to have sex while sleeping in the same bed as Tom, she thought a lot about it. Like, we should be doing thiswe have a good relationship, we like each other, we connect mentally. I always felt like there was a wall, she says, something that keeps us not really fully feeling like were a unit together. Even when they kissed, she would feel some reluctance in her, some distance.How did Tom feel about not having intercoursea cornerstone of heterosexual sexwith the woman hed been in a loving relationship with for years? It was hard for him to fully accept it, Taslim shares. It wore him down and made him sad. He accused her of seeing him only as a friend. In couples therapy, the idea came up that Taslim is resistant. Its been hard for us to deal with thatits been eating away at us.Tom tried to remain empathetic and understand that this is bigger than Taslimto understand that shes trying to go against an entire religious system. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, Taslim laments. He knows that my parents have been strict. That I had a conservative code for what was okay or not in my interactions with men, what I could wear, who I could see, where I could go, who I could go with. He knows all those restrictions, and that in my head I still have all those limitations even though I have the freedom that I never had for many years. He knows I still feel like Im in a cage.

—

The breaking point came when Taslims parents met Tom. Around her birthday, the year that Tom moved in with Taslim, Farida and Imran were visiting their daughter for the day when Taslim decided it was time to introduce Tom. But Taslims parents were too angry and upset to even shake his hand. They were pretty shocked and taken aback, Taslim tells me. There was a lot of yelling and screamingWho is he? Hes not Muslim!directed at both of them. Taslim began to cry. The yelling was mostly in English, but Urdu was peppered throughout. Tom tried to explain how much he cared for and loved Taslim. Farida and Imran wouldnt listen. Farida decided that Tom must be using Taslim for money. Imran, on the other hand, was just very disappointed. I felt like my parents kind of violated my boundaries. They went through stuff, went through my closet. They saw that Toms belongings were everywhere before Taslim even had a chance to explain that shed asked him to live with her. Taslims parents demanded that she break up with Tom. Imran even came back to make sure hed moved out of her apartment.Tom, who hails from Vancouver, is a white man roughly twenty years older than Taslim and a divorcee. Most importantly to her parents, hes not Muslim. None of this mattered to Taslim. For a long time, she considered marrying him; theres a local imam in Ottawa willing to marry Muslim women and non-Muslim men. In Islamic jurisprudence, a Muslim man has the right to marry a non-Muslim woman but not the other way around. This precept operates on the understanding that in addition to the faith passing on from the paternal side, men have the necessary authority to convert their non-Muslim women, or at the very least guarantee raising Muslim children.I have a friend who did that. Shes in a common-law relationship with a non-Muslim man, and she reached out to that imam, Taslim says. She takes comfort knowing shes not the only Muslim woman to have a relationship with a non-Muslim man in her community. She asked this progressive imam to provide her with supporting material or information regarding this law that she could use to sway her parents. Im trying to become more assertive about this, she says with a timid smile.But after the meeting with Taslims parents, the couple is no longer planning to get married. Tom moved to Taslims old condowhich she still owns and was renting outwhile they figured out their next move. Its kind of a haze, because it was such a difficult experience. It was insane. I got so traumatized, and then I feltI dont think this is necessarily true, this is the way I see thingslike maybe Tom wasnt as strong for me as he could have been. I felt alone on this little boat, in the middle of the ocean, trying to defend this whole thing.Taslim wants the tension to be over, not the relationship. But doubt has taken root in her. Were in a strange place, she explains. Things got really tense between us. I felt very tense with him around. Taslim realized that for her own mental well-being, she needed to pull back and prioritize herself. She needed to figure things out, including if she could ever stand up to her parents or if her relationship with Tom was worth that. I think my parents really gave me a lot of anxiety and depression over it. Being pulled in two different directions by the most important people in her life was very stressful for Taslim. Indecision was paralyzing her, and she could no longer decipher what her feelings were, distinct from those of Tom and her parents. Distance was the only way she could cope.But ever since the pandemic hit, hes been here more often than not. Because hes been my one-person-you-can-see kind of person, she says. Shes only been to see her parents in Montreal a handful of times since the onset of COVID-19. She describes her relationship with Tom now as in a limbo stage. Were not together, but were kind of together. Protecting herself in this way has led to many days of loneliness, and the social distancing rules of the pandemic have only heightened that feeling. She hasnt been maintaining her friendships, which tend to have boundaries. Only when things are dire does she open up about her personal life to friends. Although Taslim does respond to those who reach out, she admits, I dont feel the same closeness. I dont know whats going to happen with some friendships. As a naturally very, very internal person, she finds it difficult to share things with people. She doesnt see the value in it eitherafter all, her problems are her problems, and no one is going to solve them for her. And even at work, connections dont come easy. Two weeks into the pandemic, she began a new job and to this day hasnt met any of her colleagues in person. Its just constant alienation.Some days, she considers giving her relationship with Tom another go. But they had other obstacles beyond her parents: their age gap, his finances. She remembers these things and reverts to not being ready for change. There are times when I feel buoyed by him, but there are times when I feel depleted. My parents have . . . I still have so much fear in my head about the whole thing. After the blowout with her parents, Taslim couldnt make personal decisions with conviction. Roughly two years later, she hasnt completely recovered her self-confidence.Even talking about the memory triggers her body to tense up. Its just like a paralysis. Like suddenly youre being railroaded. And I know Tom felt that too. He was shocked that it was that kind of reaction. Taslim believes her parents were deeply ashamed that she had chosen a non-Muslim partner and was living with him outside of wedlock. Taslim tells me that during the blow-up she volunteered information about her virginity, wanting to beat them to the punch. I told them that I hadnt. I just said that of my own volition. She knew where the conversation was headed.I definitely have some anger and resentment. Im trying not to, because Id rather take that energy and push through and do something for myself thats better. Everyones a product of their environment, circumstances, upbringing. But its difficult. Especially with the sexuality side of it. To cope with the stress of her personal life, Taslim has thrown herself further into her job, working for nearly twelve-hour stretches. It was crazy, but I think it saved me from dealing with my parents.Although she and Tom are still officially broken up, Taslim doesnt want her parents to visit. Tom occasionally stays over and some of his things are still around. Her brother, Atiq, also believes she was lost in this inter-faith relationship and not thinking logically. No one in my family supports me, she says. So the pandemic, which has kept her family away in Montreal, continues to serve as a boundary.Excerpted from Halal Sex by Sheima Benembarek. Copyright 2023 Sheima Benembarek. Published by Viking Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved.Next: I Need You to Know: All Vulvas Are Beautiful

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Why Does My Partner Only Touch Me When They Want Sex?

Sadaf Ahsan — Thu, 16 Mar 2023 11:00:13 +0000

If its been a while since your partner held your hand, gave you a big squeeze or tapped your butt like they used to without trying to initiate sex, congratulations! Youre in a completely normal relationship, according to Carlyle Jansen, a Toronto-based sex therapist. Its a problem she hears most from women in heterosexual relationships, in which they feel their male partners only approach them when they want to get it on. Although this is very normal, theres no reason anyone should settle for less touch if you’re craving more frequent, playful displays of affection.Being touched in non-sexual ways is importantstudies show it leads to greater satisfaction, greater emotional intensity and stronger communication in a relationship. According to a 2016 survey by the Kinsey Institute, 87 percent of people in committed relationships rated touch as very or extremely important to building intimacy, but 34 percent said their partner doesnt touch them enough.Jansen says when a person only touches their partner when they want sex, the partner can develop negative feelings towards them and their libido can take a dip. Then, the initiating partner can feel hurtand any efforts to have sex begin to carry negative energy, says Jansen.Theres no single reason this happens to couples, but common causes include simple logistics (busy schedules making it difficult to find the time) or feeling touched out (having children attached to your hip all day).More often than not, it comes down to communication problems. Heres what to do.

Get Touchy-Feely

You know the old adage, treat others how you want to be treated? Apply that here. Touch your partner throughout the day to show them how much and how often youd like to be touched. It might not be easyJansen says that the partner who wants more touching may not want to put in more effortbut it could be whats needed to build the non-sexual habits you desire.

Spell It Out

If your partner just isnt getting the message, Williams suggests saying something direct like: I love when you kiss my neck when we make dinner because it feels sensual and loving. Tell them what you like, and why you like it, she says. If a couple knows what messages theyre sending to one another through touch, theyll be more interested in intimating touch in the first place.While this tactic could make someone feel like theyre being forced to show affection, this straightforwardness is actually healthy for the relationship. Providing a suggestion, solution, and positive reinforcement leads to a stronger bond, says Williams.

Find the Issue

Lack of touch could be a sign of a deeper issue. I may be less physical with my partner when I am tired, whereas you may be less physical with your partner when theres something bigger going on, says Williams. The same behaviour can have an entirely different meaning. If communication doesnt work, it could be a good idea to book time with a therapist or counsellor. There could be any number of reasons why youve been feeling touch-starved, but you wont know until you do the work to find out.Next: It Is Reassuring to Be Loved Again: The Joy of Finding Love After 70

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When You’re Ghosted After a Breakup

Laura Pratt — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 12:00:23 +0000

Trigger warning: This excerpt mentions suicide and self-harm.Two and a half silent years after sustaining the break up, I was still smarting and yearning. Hed never said a word and I let that injure me constantly. Disregard, says Kipling D. Williams, an American psych prof whos studied the subject extensively, is the egos cruellest assailant. He calls ostracism among the most devastating experiences a person can endure. Animals who are ostracized dont survive. Once set adrift by their crew, they lack both the resources to find food and the pack for protection. For humans, exceptionally social creatures whose dependence on others is arguably bigger than anyone elses, close relationships are equally critical. If our ancestors couldnt sustain associations with intimates, they perished. No wonder psychology emphasizes the importance of creating and maintaining relationships. Without friends, no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods, Aristotle said. There is something in staying close to men and women, and looking on them, and in the contact and odour of them, that pleases the soul, said Walt Whitman, 22 centuries later.In the book he wrote with Erika J. Koch, Emotional Responses to Interpersonal Rejection, Mark Leary considers the consequences of a soul denied that pleasure. If youve been left behind, he says, you might suffer sadness, jealousy, isolation, envy, guilt and embarrassment. In the moment, people whove been rejected experience anxiety and depression; in the longer term, they internalize low levels of self-esteem and a general lack of well-being. Rejection slows their heart rate. Some try to kill themselves; some succeed. My children and parents, to whom I was deeply connected, kept me from even considering that option.To the list add aggression, linked to rejection in a 2001 Surgeon General of the US report. Think of school shootings and dismissed employees going postal. Still, the research is clear: Much of the aggression that rejection arouses is pointed inward. Same with disdain. I was rejected, we say, the passive participants in our own tragedies. Its a hell of a posture to take: Just when our ego is at its lowest, we heave up a sack of self-loathing. Rejection does half the damage, says American psychologist and author Guy Winch; we do the rest.Research also uncovered a connection between social exclusion and reduced intellectual functioning. Multiple studies reveal that our cerebral performance dries up if we think were going to be rebuffed. Participants told they would end up alone performed significantly worse on general intelligence testswere less able to retrieve information from memory and bombed the logicthan those who believed their future would be filled with belonging and meaningful relationships.Perhaps most significantly, researchers learned that we castoffs feel the pain of it in our muscles and bones as much as our psyches. Scientists confirmed in 2012 that physical and social pain experiences rely on shared neural substrates, in the first study of social exclusion in humans.They believe thats so because, a thousand generations of rejection ago, our ancestors social attachment systems co-opted the pain systems siren to prevent the species-ending consequences of social separation. This mingling of our social and physical needs, said American neuroscientist Paul MacLean, helps explain why a sense of separation is a condition that makes being a mammal so painful.—Christmases had turned painful when my kids dad and I split. It was lonely overseeing the season by myself, and I suffered the usual guilt separated parents feel about stealing their familys easy experience with it. But when I met Sam, from that very first holiday and for six more after, my joy returned.We didnt see each other at Christmas, holding out for Boxing Day reunions that kicked off animated week-long holidays to the south. But we were part of each others celebrations just the same. We both had traditions of attending Christmas Eve servicesonce-a-year appearances at respective neighbourhood churches, me before dinner in Toronto, him at midnight in Montreal. Christmas magic could collapse geography and time, so when we lit our candles off our neighbours and sang Silent Night in the flickering ambience they cast across our programs, we could have been together, our thighs touching on the same pew.Theres nothing like Christmas Eve. No nights so crisp or huge or enchanted as the one that delivers the world across into Christmas. Our conversations on these nights were always intimate and effervescent, both of us still fairy-dusted from our church visits and the walks home in the snow after, chatting breathlessly to people we hadnt spoken to in a year. Id put Sam on speakerphone so I could wrap presents while we talked. I loved hearing about his Christmas Eves in the cozy church hed visited since he was a kid. It was within walking distance of both his apartment and his childhood home, where his parents still lived. Years earlier, Sam had stepped up for the resident caretaker, whom the church was mistreating, and he served for a time on its board. Sometimes hed play at a special occasion there, releasing all his elaborate music into the hallowed rafters. When the little church closed from lack of business, Sam was so sad. I tracked down a brass offering plate from the congregation and got it engraved for him.After the Christmas Eve service, Sam used to walk a grateful widow home, lending her his arm across the snowbanks, basking in the community of the special night in his beloved city. He would tell me about that, his annual encounter with this woman hed known since he was young, and I would cut wrapping paper and write tags and feel grateful. I wish you were here, Id say, and he would tell me something like I am, baby. I want you to feel it. And I would.Then Id tuck the phone under my ear and deliver all the gifts to the tree and drink Santas milk and fill the stockings. And all the while Sam would talk to me and make my solitary maternal laboursbloated this night with so much expectationless solitary. When it was at last all set up for morning, Id head upstairs. Look outside now, I would tell him from my dark bedroom window before we said good night, and Sam and I would peer across the crackling Christmas Eve at each other as though there was no sky between us at all.I thought about all this on the second Christmas Eve after he left. About the candles and the carols, the widow and the snowbank. His arm. I thought of it while I went through my Christmas rituals in silence, arranging the presents under the tree, tucking oranges and lottery tickets into stockings, writing Santas blocky notes of thanks for the cookies. Then I turned out the lights and went up the stairs alone, no one in my ear saying Id done a good job putting on another Christmas for my children, no one who noticed, no one who knew.When I looked out the window into the deep magic sky the second Christmas Eve after Sam left, my gaze went on and on, didnt meet up with anything at all.—My dear little love, I wrote Sam one afternoon when hed been quiet for more than two years. I think it would help me, if your heart and soul are utterly and undeniably convinced that they are done with me, if you would write and tell me so. This silence has been crazy for me. Elie Wiesels comment about the opposite of love being indifference was never far from me in this stillness.The silent treatment is the most insidious quill in ostracisms quiver. When someone expecting a door gets a wall, the blow to the ego is tremendous. It generates the special quality of suffering that comes with being erased. Here is soundless rebukean ancient tool of psychological punishmentand its power to steal its victims identity and voice and value. To send them spinning in squalls of isolation and grief. To make them question not only the relationship they had but the person they are. Here is disregard, and the layer it adds to rejection, the combination confirming that you matter not at all.Even a fiery argument grants both participants the dignity of voicetheres a sense of control inside the flinging invective. Thats not the case with the silent treatment, which shuts one party up and down. Silence, said George Bernard Shaw, is the most perfect expression of scorn. Mark Learys theory says self-esteem actually bottoms out not when people believe others despise them, but when they believe others feel neutrally about them. So we feel just as badly about ourselves when people ignore us as when they hate us.Various academics have taken a run at the subject over the years. One of them, Paul Schrodt, a communications prof from Texas Christian University, reviewed the relationships of 14,000 people. Afterward, he declared the silent treatment the most common pattern of conflict they contain. It does tremendous damage, he said.With Meidung, an exercise of shunning practised in the Amish faith, individuals are actively singled out for comprehensive neglect. Practitioners conspire to ignore other humansrefusing to speak with them or eat with them or even acknowledge them. The victims, accused of violating the Ordnung, the churchs unwritten expectations for adherents daily living, suffer a slow death, said American lawyer Margaret Gruter. The faithful defend Meidung with a biblical prophecy: And if any man obey not our words by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed, says 2 Thessalonians 3:14. Mennonites, Hutterites and Jehovahs Witnesses also practise forms of shunning.In 1947, a court in the heart of Ohios Amish country heard a case of Meidung. The plaintiff, a 33-year-old Amish farmer named Andrew J. Yoder, sued a bishop and two preachers from his old-order Amish church for $40,000 in damages and a court injunction against a boycott he alleged theyd arranged for him. Yoder claimed the church had mited him for five years for purchasing a car so he could transport his polio-stricken daughter to medical appointments, a move that contravened church doctrine. The community disregard made him feel like a whipped dog, Yoder told the jury at his civil trial. But his opponents were convinced that this man had broken the pact hed made with God with this acquisition, and that their actions complied with the commandments.Yoder said he was satisfied with the verdict, which awarded him $5,000, but the payout allegedly did nothing to mitigate the Meidung of this man whose ego had been flattened under the boots of loved ones fleeing him. In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, Martin Luther King Jr. said, but the silence of our friends.—And so I wasnt alone. Nor were the helpful people who pointed out that if I didnt write to Sam, I wouldnt be shunned by Sam. But if I didnt write to Sam, I wouldnt be okay. Be quiet, hed declared with his retreatbut I still had things to say. And I would say them until I didnt care to anymore. I had no other valve. My head was jammed and I had to unload. It was a perverse delight, this unorthodox exercise of calling to someone who never called back, and I would draw it out, savouring the purpose it gifted my indifferent life for a day or longer while I worked on my note, always anxious, always hopeful. He never said a word. My ego never knew what hit it.Excerpted from Heartbroken by Laura Pratt. Copyright 2023 by Laura Pratt. Published by Random House Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved.Next: 20 Breakup Movies Thatll Help You Get Over That Relationship

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‘It Is Reassuring to Be Loved Again:’ The Joy of Finding Love After 70

Susan O’Malley — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 12:00:01 +0000

When Will, my partner/lover of 30 years, died suddenly in October 2017 of a hemorrhagic stroke, which occurred the same day that the cardiologist told him he could resume normal activities after a stent operation, I was bereft. First, I thought I was going to fall into a hole and die; then I couldnt be in groups of people without feeling claustrophobic; then I was angry that he had died and hadnt seen his cardiologist sooner; and then I missed both physical affection and sex. Will and I had had a very pleasurable love life. What to do?My friend Margaret, who had been recently widowed after her husbands death from serious dementia, told me to look for widowers; they were the best. Stay away from divorced men. They are too difficult. She had found an excellent way to find a possible partner. Her current writing project involved interviewing leftists who had been involved in the movement. By this method she had found a very suitable, wonderful man with whom she now lives.I was not ready for any of this. Wills family would question what I was doing, and I was sure my daughter and grandchildren would too. I just wanted to be hugged and comforted. I play cello in the UN Symphony Orchestra, and when the young conductor consoled me about Wills death, I impulsively hugged him, much to his surprise. Masturbation just didnt satisfy the need to be hugged.I had known Sebastian OToole since moving to Brooklyn from New Orleans when I was 32. In 1975 we were part of the group that started a magazine that is still going strong today. After Wills death, Sebastian asked me to have dinner with him or to go to the movies. He was a widower and had been married to Betsy, who did artwork for our magazine. She had died 11 years ago and had been my friend. Both Sebastian and I had had unhappy first marriages and happy second marriages. I had also always found him attractive, although we would often argue about politics.Although being with Sebastian was fun, it did not solve the hugging problem. At six foot four, he is just too tall for me to hug standing up. I had to stand on my tiptoes, and he had to bend down. I longed to hug lying down. And so, I got up my courage and sent him an email about the need for cuddling and snuggling, particularly in my lonely grieving state. Of course, being a man, he interpreted cuddling and snuggling differently from me. His return email was lovely. He said that after Betsy died, he thought having a love life was over for him, that he was too old (he was 87), and did not know how to tell me this, but then he thought about my offer and discovered that he felt very good about it. And so, he invited me to his apartment, made a tasty dinner, and asked me if cuddling and snuggling came before or after dinner. I assured him after dinner. And that he wasnt too old.Sexuality is very different from when my partner and I were younger. With Sebastian, I feel very comfortable, safe, with a sense of completion and joy, erotic but in a different way. When men are not so focused on their orgasm, which may or may not happen, there is more time for eroticism and pleasure together and for the woman to get what she needs. There is more stroking and touching, and lovemaking lasts longer. Sebastians comment that I have taught him so much about sexuality amuses meme, a good Catholic virgin when I got married at 22.When I was younger, I would not have chosen to be with Sebastian. He was too professionally successful. Previously, I had always been with men who were very smart but not that successful, because I wanted space for myself. I still do need space for myself, but Sebastians success is not an issue.My daughter Ragans reaction to my relationship with Sebastian was confusing. I dont think children can imagine their mother having aromantic love relationship, particularly in her seventies (I was 76). Months later she told me that it was her children, my grandchildren, who did not want to meet Sebastian. Will had been their grandfather, and they did not want a substitute grandfather. She had been covering for her children. Ragan said she just wanted me to be happy. She had nothing against seeing Sebastianshe had known Sebastian since she was a little girl attending editorial magazine meetings at the nearby college, where he was a professor, and she remembered him from summer retreats at his farm in the country.About six months later Ragan did ask Sebastian to dinner. About a week before that, Ragan, my granddaughter, Grace, and I watched the movie To Kill a Mockingbird in preparation to see the play. When Atticus (Gregory Peck) appeared, Ragan said to Grace, That is what Sebastian looks like. I giggled and said, Well he is a bit older, Grace, but he does look like an academic. The morning after we all had dinner together, Ragan texted me: Sebastian OToole is a lovely man, and he always has been.Another concern in older peoples relationships is aging, sickness, and accidents. The December before COVID-19 struck, Sebastian fell down the 19 steps in my Brooklyn brownstone. It had been a wonderful evening: he had attended a UN symphony concert that I had played cello in at the New School. Afterward, we had taken a cab to Brooklyn in a stormy rain, drank wine, talked, and laughed. I dont know when I had been so happy. In the middle of the night, when he got up to go to the bathroom, Sebastian fell down the 19 steps. I let out a bloodcurdling scream that caused my tenant and her boyfriend to come running up from their apartment to discover Sebastian lying bloodied at the bottom of the stairs and both of us stark naked! Amazingly, Sebastian got up, blood dripping from his head, and walked back up those steps. I think his height and slightly inebriated state may have saved his life. I agonized about calling an ambulanceit was 3:00 a.m. and rainingwhich made thoughts of the ER less than reassuring. Not to mention that Sebastian refused to go and said he wanted to stay in bed with his arms around me. So, I kept him awake and talking to make sure he didnt have a concussion and watched as the blood from his head wound finally stopped. Then I waited until morning to call a doctor friend who had admitting privileges at Methodist Hospital. Dr. Fein said I should call an ambulance immediately. He would call the hospital to alert them. Watching the paramedics carry Sebastian back down those 19 steps, strapped securely to a chair, was certainly a relief. Sebastian had two tiny neck fractures and a small brain bleed as a result of his fall and spent a week in the hospital. In addition to Sebastians fall, hes had a heart valve operation and pneumonia during our two years together, and I developed breast cancer, so gray love comes with many bumps and detours. I must say, though, I liked it when Sebastian introduced me to his nurse practitioner as his sweetie.And then there was COVID-19. I probably quarantined more days before I saw Sebastian than I spent with him. If I had never left his apartment in Manhattan, I would not have had to quarantine, but I live in Brooklyn and have family, friends, and a pianist with whom I play my cello. Also, Sebastian could not stay at my house because of the stairs.The rule for quarantining his daughter rightly insisted upon was 10 days of quarantine followed by a gold-standard COVID test, including quarantining until I got the test resultsor 14 days of quarantine with no test. This was because of Sebastians precarious health. The first summer of COVID we spent a month together at his farm in western Massachusetts. I quarantined alone for 14 days there. We met only for meals outside. Then we spent the final two weeks physically together. In the fall, we got together in Riverside Park, masked, and bundled up against the cold wind because I hadnt done my quarantine. After Thanksgiving I quarantined again for only 10 days, but unexpectedly tested positive for COVID with the most reliable test. Although I had no symptoms, I quarantined for another 10 days. I developed no symptoms and was deemed COVID-free by a doctor. Then I spent five days with Sebastian. Thank goodness his daughter insisted on my being tested. My asymptomatic COVID-19 could have infected him. That might have been the end of our relationship.For months our relationship consisted of emails and phone calls. Every evening we would say we loved each other. Sebastian wished me sweet dreams, and we would send one another music and photos. Sebastian writes funny and very literate emails; they sustained me. Last week we spent five days together after a four-month separation because I had been diagnosed with breast cancer resulting in a lumpectomy and three weeks of radiation. We were both two weeks beyond our second vaccine. Recently, we invited similarly vaccinated friends for dinner and feasted, talked, and all hugged each other. I had been apprehensive, but it felt good. It is reassuring to love and be loved againunexpected at our agesbut so pleasing.

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What It’s Like to Live—and Date—With a Chronic Invisible Illness

Alison Tedford Seaweed — Mon, 06 Feb 2023 12:00:34 +0000

In marriage vows they talk about in sickness and in health, but when I got married at 21, I felt like that was more theoreticaldown the road. Not today, but someday. I felt pretty healthy then, and I had no idea I would later be diagnosed with chronic conditions that would change my life, all after separating from my husband. Talk about a plot twist! Now, dating with disability as a 39-year-old single mom, the phrase has taken on a whole new meaning.At first, I didnt understand what was going on with my body. Symptoms built gradually like a rising crescendo, until I was overwhelmingly uncomfortable. Tests gave few answers. I had underlying conditions like migraine, tremor, and asthma that were related, but it took a while to connect the dots. My easy bruising was blamed on my pale complexion. I worried that doctors would blame my weight, so I didnt press the issue until the pain was unbearable. Finally, I found a doctor who believed me and knew right away what was to blame.What I can say now is that I have hypermobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome, chronic idiopathic urticaria (hives) and ADHD inattentive type. All together, these conditions can make life a little more complicatedwork, parenting and dating included. You cant tell any of this just by looking at me, but Im self-conscious just the same.I bring more to the table than blister packs of medication. Im also a loving mom to a teenage boy and a successful business owner, and Im pretty funny. I cant cook, but my son once said Im good at making the elevator smell like pizza delivery. I am resilient, innovative and strong. I am proud of my Indigenous cultural heritage and the advocacy work I undertake on behalf of my people. But eventually, when Im getting to know someone new, I have to explain what my daily life is like: lots of focus on self-care, doctor appointments and listening to my body.And when youre living with a degenerative condition, you have to talk about how it might impact a future life together. Osteoarthritis is also something thats common with my condition, and my joint degenerations will worsen over time. (Im supposed to be getting regular X-rays to monitor deterioration in my feet and hands.) My symptoms may also increase during and after menopause. Happily ever after, in my case, comes with a lot of question marks and medical terminology.I know my health challenges dont define me, but its still hard. I know all too well the judgment that can come with admitting or disclosing imperfect health, so I really think about who I share what with, and when. Sometimes I feel like it would be better up front, because I dont want to waste time with someone who isnt up for the adventure that is being my boyfriend. Other times, I would like to let someone get to know the good, the bad and the hilarious over time, and then choose for themselves.

Handle with care

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) complicates even the simplest show of affection: holding hands can be exciting and scary. My joints pop out because my body makes collagen poorly, and thats a building block of connective tissue.Connective tissue is everywhere in the body: your joints, skin, heart, digestive system, internal organs. When the tissues are too stretchy and fragile, it can cause problems. This is why hEDS can affect your blood vessels, cause pre-term labour and make having surgery more complicated. Ive had joints pop out while I was washing my hands, standing in the shower, walking across the street, trying to eat a sandwich and rolling over in bed. I sometimes feel light-headed, and I had a hard time working in a traditional nine-to-five job, because getting accommodated in the workplace (before I was officially diagnosed) was challenging.It makes pretty much every aspect of life harder, all because my body is a little too bendy and everything is a little too loose. I have struggled with depression caused by the pain of swelling and dislocations. While we all look for flexibility in a partner, in some cases it can actually be a detriment. Its kind of like dating Mrs. Potatohead, I explain. Miss, actually.Ive had an online dating profile on and off for years, and I have found a few long-term relationships this way. But more active date nights can be risky for me, and when you live on the west coast, where everyone wants to go hiking and do outdoorsy things, its really hard. It might be something to explore with someone I trust, but I dont want to literally fall apart on a first date. I cant always walk far because of the dislocations, hiking uneven terrain is stressful, and I am at risk of falling on snow and ice.When I share why I cant say yes to these more adventurous invites, sometimes Im asked what else I cant do. I get awkward questions about whether my hEDS interferes with my sex life, because potential partners are worried about injuring me. Im all for being honest, but it does hurt when someone looks at you as if being close or intimate might be a bad thing.As my disease has progressed over the years, the things I enjoyed most have been ripped away, and I have felt so alone because fitness was also how I connected with friendsnot just with dates. The risk of injury meant no more Zumba, no more pole dance, no more hot yoga or spin class. It changed old relationships, and it impacts finding new ones, too.

Itching for connection

My chronic idiopathic urticaria can be a bit of a mystery for others to understand. The hives make me itchy, but my triggers are complex: I cant just avoid a specific food. Its exacerbated by stress, fatigue, being too hot or cold, having my skin scratched or wearing anything too tight. My lips swell, my cheeks flush and I feel like theyre burning from the inside. I also feel anxious because I cant trust my body and its reactions. The most awkward part is how the hives are very noticeable on my chestit is not the kind of attention I want to draw to my cleavage.Hives might not seem like a big deal, but the condition means having allergic reactions almost daily, being exhausted from the side effects of antihistamines, waiting and waiting to see an allergist in the public system and feeling very alone struggling against a condition that only affects roughly 1 percent of the population. The daily struggle of itwhile advocating to be believed, and to have my discomfort validatedis also maddening. It can randomly resolve on its own, or it can be very resistant to treatment and last for years. Many doctors dont know much about the condition, and those who werent successful in treating it with previous patients tend not to be optimistic.The treatment for my severe urticaria is a drug called Xolair, which can cost as much as $18,000 a yearalmost the same as the rent on my two-bedroom apartment. Ive been learning the hard way how difficult it can be to get funding for the costs of living with a rare disease. I thought if I could just get through the nine-month wait to see an allergist I would be better in no time, but two months of paperwork later, Im still trying to get my first dose covered. The manufacturer has a generous patient assistance program, but the remaining balance is still quite high.Hives suck up your energy, make you uncomfortable in your own skin and can be so unpredictable, which makes planning dates or outings difficult. When Im in a flare, I dont want to go anywhere. I just want to rest, and I dont want to be touched. But if you cancel on a date too many times when youre getting to know someone, they think youre flaky. Because I cant control when Im going to have an allergic reaction, I do the best I can.

In a relationship with distraction

My ADHDwhich disproportionately affects people with joint hypermobilitybrings its own stigma, because many of its expressions are viewed as moral failings, or qualities you wouldnt want in a partner. Losing track of time, being disorganized, and forgetting things can suggest that you dont care about others. The decision to medicate or not has brought its own judgments and helpful suggestions from people Ive dated, like: have I considered a to-do list or a planner? (Thank goodness Kyle-who-enjoys-hiking-and-the-colour-blue is here to present an obvious solution to my neurodivergence!) Potential partners assume Im just not trying hard enough, and it can be a dealbreaker if the person you are dating doesnt support your treatment plan.

Looking forward, looking back

The reality is that none of us know what our health journey is going to look like. You can think youre perfectly healthy one day and find out the next day youre not. We all get oldif were lucky. I already know up front what some of my challenges are, though I may end up with new ones. Its taken me years to understand that while I might be itchy, distracted and literally disjointed sometimes, I am still worthy of love, care and concern.Sometimes I grieve how easy it used to be, back when I could have active hobbies and would spend 10 hours at the gym every week doing Zumba and spin, and teaching pole dance. Back then, I couldnt even spell urticaria. I didnt know that not everyones joints pop out, and that not being able to remember things wasnt just an endearing hot-mess-mom thing. I didnt really know what was going on with my health, but I had fewer things to be self-conscious about.I may never get to the in sickness and in health marriage vows again, and thats okay. Whether some nice man decides to take me from Miss to Mrs. Potatohead, Im going to be just fine, but Im still hopeful. Im optimistic that I will find someone who will want to be part of my world, to be my emergency contactand to share in the pizza deliveries. And, until then, I just have to keep being flexible (because thats what I do best!).Next: 5 Sex Tips from Canadians Living with Disabilities

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I Need You to Know: Good Relationships Are Vital to Good Health Care

Stephanie Gilbert, as told to Rebecca Philps — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 11:00:52 +0000

I consider myself a young nursenot in age, but in experience. I work for the Northwest Territories Health and Social Services Authority, offering clinical support for frontline public health nursing staff. Im still learning all the time. And it took me a while to understand that my work, which is all about compassion, empathy and shared responsibility, overlaps with the most beautiful aspects of my Inuit culture.As an Inuk, I build relationships with people by listening to their stories. We always try to recognize where they are coming from, to find a common understanding with all people we meet. We also build relationships in formal ways, through community, friendships, marriages, and names. I was given a very special name: Tuurngaq. Tuurngaq was a shaman, or a healer, and she was knowledgeable and experienced and very respected. When I was born, my family and those close to Tuurngaq felt that her spirit was in me and gave me her name. This was not a random choice, but one discerned as a community. Her name was a gift, but also a huge responsibility. When youre given someones name, you also inherit all the relationships that come with it. Her family became my family, her supports became my supports. I eventually came to see it as a blessing, but at first, when I would hear: youre a healer and you will do amazing things, I rejected it. I have a strong personality, and like many young people, I didnt want to be told who I was or what I would become. I needed to find my own way to becoming a healer, and it took some time.I grew up in Igloolik, a small hamlet in Nunavut with a nursing station. We were a very well familyour interactions with the health centre were minimal. So, I never really paid attention to what nursing looked like in a small community, because my wellness and health support came from within my family. Our mental health needs were met by family and community. We had most of our nutritional needs met by traditional foods. We were physically well because we went camping and hunting. The health care system existed in the background.When I was 14 years old, I needed an emergency appendectomy, and I spent a week in hospital in Iqaluit. The experience was really strange, very formal and nobody explained anything to me. The doctors and nurses had a to-do list that they executed. I went in sick and came out well. There was no relationship-building.In contrast, some of my family members had very dark experiences with the health care system, particularly with the TB outbreaks in the North. Boats and planes arrived to scoop up our sick people, many of whom didnt speak English, and bring them south to sanatoriums without any explanation. This happened to my relatives, just one generation ahead of me. And so, we grew up with fear and distrust of the health care system. You should only interact with it when youre really sick. And if you make yourself vulnerable to it, you dont know what will happen to you.In my early 20s, I lived all over the north doing contract admin work, as my partners job allowed us to explore different communities. I wasnt sure what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be. But it was a job doing clerical work at a community health centre that really changed how I understood health care and a nurses role in it. I saw how relational and community-oriented the nurses were. How, no matter where they came from, they could really be a part of the community and work closely with Indigenous people.

“I am lighting a Qulliq, which is an Inuk source of heat/light/cooking but also serves as a spiritual tool.”

I began to see that the quality of health care was better in the small communities I visited. Quality of care to me includes relationship, communication and transparency. So, as a patient, I know exactly what Im going to get when I come in. Theres no mystery. Youre explaining it to me, Im invested, Ive made a conscious decision to participate with you. And Ive given you my consent. There might not be an MRI or a heart surgeon on-site, but if the community health nurse has advanced assessment skills, knows how to set, and respect, limits and boundaries, and teaches community members to make good decisions about their own care and navigate a system that is not structured to support Indigenous people, thats powerful. Far more powerful than arriving at a large facility in an unfamiliar place where youre just on someones to-do list.When I saw that work in action I thought, okay, thats how I can actually be a healerI could actively pursue community health nursing in remote settings because I wanted to feed and strengthen that service, and I wanted that service to thrive. It made me realize that health and healing can look way different than what I had experienced, and what I had rejected, my whole life.By the time I started nursing school, at 25, I was ready for the responsibility and the gravity of a nursing career. Everything I had learned and experienced before gave me a nuanced worldview and an understanding of the complexity of being an Indigenous person living with colonial systems. I came to a nursing career wondering, how do we deconstruct those systems and then rebuild them so that they are representative of multiple cultures and multiple belief systems, and make it safer for people in general?Were only now trying to catch up on things like informed consent, recognizing disenfranchised folks, honouring peoples gender, honouring peoples language, and the colour of their skin. These are things that we pride ourselves on today, but they didnt exist a very short time ago. We might have started to change our mindset and update our curriculums, but that change is trying to insert itself into long-standing, anti-Indigenous systems that dont support it.If you look at the presence of enforcement in the northpolice, military, anybody who has power to enforce lawsthat relationship was set up to punish Inuit for being Inuit. And to enforce the other anti-Indigenous systems: education, which was structured around removing children, the most malleable but precious, from their families; the church, whatever church it was, which was trying to teach Inuit that the Inuit way was wrong; and health care as well, where sick and vulnerable children and adults were taken away without offering them or their families the chance to make an informed decision or give consent. And if you didnt participate in those systems, you were harmed, you were punished or maybe even killed.One of the big questions that most practitioners ask is: How do I do this work so that I dont trigger or re-traumatize the person that I am here to serve or to help? Teachers, nurses, social workers, police, even the media, they all want examples, or even a cookie-cutter answer. But that reverts to a to-do-list approach to a problem. Most Indigenous people Ive talked to want both parties to approach all of these relationships with an open heart and good intent. Its such a simple concept, but I think that we dont realize how powerful it can be. You dont have to have answers. But your intent should never be, Im going to fix you. Colonialists have been trying to fix us for hundreds of years, and it hasnt worked.Relationships are important to all Indigenous cultures. Relationships between their leaders, their elders and their children have to be intact. And anything that we can do within the health care system to honour and foster those relationships will inherently build trust. We can still get our to-do lists done, but they can be informed and defined by the Indigenous community that were serving. As a practitioner, you can arrive and just situate yourself. Hi, Im a nurse. Im new here, so I dont know much about this place, and I dont know what you need from me, but Im ready to learn. If you go into that same setting saying, I dont know anything about this place and Im not going to learn, Im just going to get my work done, that doesnt create trust. And that does not dismantle the negative perceptions these communities have about health care.Instead, I try to find a way to work together with my patient on whatever is important to them and their community. And sometimes, as the nurse, you are going to bring up something like, if your vaccinations are up to date, that would be helpful for the community. Or if we did this type of screening for these kinds of cancers, that would be really helpful. If everybody came in and did this test, that might help. You can do that teaching, that prevention and early intervention work, once you establish a relationship that leads to trust. And it doesnt take a long time to create. Sometimes Ive been in communities for two weeks and because of the way that I approach the work, my patients see that its different than what theyve experienced with other transient nurses. Its not a new idea. And I dont take credit for it. But it works.Next: Meet Sisters Sage, an Indigenous Wellness Brand Reclaiming Smudging

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Caring For My Dying Mom Showed Me That Caregivers Need More Support, Too

Paige Lennox, as told to Rebecca Philps — Thu, 19 May 2022 11:00:42 +0000

My mom was a nurse, and as a kid I swore Id never be one. Looking back, I think that was more about asserting myself as an individual than any feeling about the work she did. I always had the desire to help people, and I have a mind geared for science. I also really love seeing people get better and supporting them through their challenges. But I was determined to carve my own path.I started school working toward a degree in microbiology but ended up graduating with a double major in science and nursing. I had shadowed one of the lab courses in the hospital training program and realized I was totally drawn to it. There came a point where nursing felt like the natural thing to do. My mom was doing refresher courses at the same time, so we were learning together and helping each other.When I graduated, Canadian nursing jobs were hard to find. Thankfully my aunt was a unit clerk on a surgical unit in Calgary, and she helped me get a job right after I graduated. From there, I transferred to a trauma ICU, then to emergency departments. For 25 years now, Ive worked in critical care.You have to be on your game in critical care: Peoples lives are in your hands. Thats what I loved about itthe intensity, the immediacy, the way you have to work as a team. And I loved advocating for my patients. Not all nurses do that. But I was always the kid who would fight for the underdog, who would stick up for people.Through my last years of nursing in the hospital I started to see gaps in care for peoplemaybe because we didnt have enough resources, definitely because doctors and nurses were overstretched. People were not understanding their diagnosis, treatment or why they were on certain medications. They were not having proper resources at home before being discharged from the hospital. I saw patients and families falling through cracks, but I didnt realize just how challenging things were until my mom got sick and I went from health care worker to caregiver.She was diagnosed with colon cancer, had surgery, did chemoand did great. We thought the cancer was gone. Then it came back in her liver, and we went through the same thing again. Then it came back all through her body. For two years it was an absolute rollercoaster.During that time my mom moved in with my sister, who is a single mom. They were down in southern Alberta and I was in B.C. It was a challenge for me to help from a distance, especially because I was overseeing the medical side of my moms care.In critical care nursing you have to have boundaries with your patients to protect your own mental health. You see a lot of sad things. With my mom, I didnt have any boundaries. I thought, Im healthy, Im strong, Im able to do the physical care that she needs. I can talk to the doctors, I can make sure that the test results are being reviewed, I can make sure that shes on the right medications. I can protect her dignity through this. It absolutely was a way for me to show love to my mom. But I wasnt prepared for how difficult that was to do from a distance. I was trying to work full-time but I was away a lot, and when I was at work, I wasnt always present. I ended up taking a leave during the last few months of my moms life.We had a tumultuous relationship. I was the troublemaker of the family. I was a rebellious teenager and that continued into my young adulthood. Thankfully I grew out of it and began to have a good relationship with Mom. The greatest healing happened in the last three months of her life. And I learned a level of love and compassion that Ive never experienced before. It changed me as a person. Our parents raise us: They change our diapers, they feed us, they cradle us. And I was able to do that for my mom, just hold her like a baby in the last few days of her life.During that time, I kept thinking, What do people do who dont have a nurse in the family? How do they get help from someone who can ask the right questions, oversee care and make sure they are getting all the resources they need? What if you dont have access to a hospice where nurses are trained to talk about death? I was educated in the health care system, I was confident I could get my mom exactly what she needed, and I still struggled. Communicating with the health care team was hard. They were so busy and it was difficult to get the information I wanted about how Mom was doing when she could no longer tell me herself.After Mom died, I let my permanent position go. I wanted to figure out a way to combine my nursing knowledge and my passion for helping patients navigate our system. I started looking for work and quickly found there were no patient advocacy organizations in Canada. Thats how I came up with Canadian Health Advocates Inc. (CHAI), which is a network of health care professionals available to help people navigate an often confusing system. Our nurses help ensure people get consistency of care, they explain the unfamiliar, they can do research, they can help with paperwork and future care plansthey help patients and families during a scary and emotionally fraught time. Its the type of service I wish Id had when my mom was sick.In a hospital, long-term care facility or hospice, there isnt a lot of consistency. You see a lot of different doctors. My mom had her primary oncologist but also saw a team of residents, ever-changing nurses, specialists and techs. Its hard to keep track of who is responsible for what. And you cant make good decisions if you dont have all the information or the right education hasnt been provided. If youre sick or tired or frustrated, youre going to retain even less. Its important to go to your appointments prepared with questions and with somebody to take notes, which is just one of the services CHAI can provide.Weve helped close to 300 patients and families now. Often were the first people who have actually had time to sit and listen to their stories. A lot of people have lost trust. Theyve lost faith in the health care system, whatever their situation is. Theres so much information out there, how do you begin to siphon through it, how do you decode the medical jargon and get a good understanding of whats happening to you?With our large aging population, more and more people are going to be thrust into the position of caregiving out of necessity. And a lot of people will be juggling that with full-time work, children of their own and limited resources. Im a health care professional and I still would have benefitted from having the support of an advocate. I want to make that available to everyone.Next: How Are Canadian Caregivers Handling COVID?

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Anna Maria Tremonti: “I Knew I Shouldn’t Carry This Shame. And Yet I Did.”

Ishani Nath — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 18:05:34 +0000

Warning: This story contains mentions of domestic violence.Anna Maria Tremontis voice is immediately recognizable. As a veteran CBC journalist and 17-year host of CBC Radio Ones The Current, Tremonti brought Canadians crucial stories from across the country as well as from international conflict zones with her signature mix of hard-hitting questions and empathy. She built her award-winning journalism career by sharing the stories of others, particularly the victims of gender-based violence. Now, for the first time, Tremonti is sharing her own story, and an experience she kept quiet for 40 years.When Im in broadcast mode, this voice of mine has hidden my greatest secret, Tremonti says in the first episode of her new CBC podcast Welcome to Paradise. The six-part series, available on CBC Listen and all other podcast platforms, details Tremontis experience with intimate partner violencean issue that affects more than 107,000 Canadians every year.Welcome to Paradise looks at the long tail of intimate partner violence through the prism of my own experience, in a marriage that I managed to get out of 40 years ago. So, I’m not only telling my story of what happened to me, I’m looking at how things have followed me over time, says Tremonti. What followed her, she explains, includes the shame, the self-blame, the physical reactions to things, like her persistent impulse to hide bruises.During the pandemic, the World Health Organization dubbed violence against women a shadow pandemic with rates of domestic violence in Canada rising dramatically. Support for victims of domestic abuse have never been more needed. With these statistics in mind, we spoke with Tremonti about her personal experience with intimate partner violence, and her message for victims and their loved ones.Note: If you are reading this and need support, don’t wait. Please visit Ending Violence Association of Canada to find support services and resources available across Canada.

How are you doing today?

Im fine. To get to this point to release a podcast, I had a lot of angst and second guessing before in the writing of this thing. I have dealt with all of that. So, I’m fine. I’m glad that it’s getting out.

Tell me a bit about that angst, where does that come from? What were you afraid of?

I think that comes from the shame that I’ve carried. What I’ve now been able to really identify is the deep-seated shame. I knew that intellectually, it was there, but I do think that was part of it, that fear of being judged. Fear of going public with something that I have not been public about, and just letting anybody weigh in. I’m not so afraid of that anymorebut that’s been a process.

I find that when I write about my own experiences, I learn about myself through how the story comes together. What did you learn about yourself in telling this story?

The main thing was the effect of the therapy. I originally wanted to work with [psychotherapist] Farzana Doctor so that she could be a touchstone for me as I told this story, just to keep me feeling emotionally stable through what I knew I would have to talk about. I thought she might be a little part of this podcast, but she ended up becoming a real thread. And through working with her, I ended up identifying the shame.I’ve done other therapy, and it has helped, but I’ve never identified the shame, to the degree and the depth that I did in my sessions with her. By the time I got to writing the final part of the podcast, I realized that that shame had fallen away. I wasn’t expecting to rid myself of that because I had not quite registered how embedded it was.That’s the main thing. The other thing was that my family and friends knew that I was in an abusive marriage. And after I got out, I told them. But I never got into the real detail of individual incidents of assault. I did for the sake of this podcast and there is one particular assault that I remember really well, but there was one aspect of it that I did not. It was the last time he beat me up, days before my first job interview with the CBC in Fredericton. And I remember having to figure out if the blouse I was wearing would cover the bruises around my neck. I went to the interview and managed to get the job. But I couldn’t remember how I got those bruises. And I realized going over it and writing about it that I must have blacked out. I had never thought about that before.

That must be such a scary realization, finding pieces of your story you didnt know you were missing.

Its funny, intellectually, I understood that I wanted to write about this. Viscerally, I had a real hard time writing that scene. But you know, in the case of my experience with intimate partner violence, there has always been that emotional and visceral disconnect. I know I was not to blame. I know I shouldn’t carry the shame. And yet I did. I knew at the time that what was happening to me was wrong. But I absorbed what he would say to me, that I drove him to it. So even though it didn’t make any senseespecially as a 23-year-old, who was confused and emotionally distraught about what was happening to meI accepted those things and carried them with me.

Looking back, do you have a better understanding of why you accepted those things at the time?

I do because I have read about this stuff. Jane Monckton Smiths book In Control lays out the eight steps of coercive control, which if not intervened with, can end up in homicide. And when I read it, I thought, Oh my God, I’m textbook. Farzana reminded me that everyone is, which is why they write these things.Coercive control is akin to a hostage takingthis is how experts who work in the field describe it. So it often starts with a whirlwind and by the time that control kicks in, you have a victim who will sometimes willingly change their behavior because if they don’t, they know what’s coming. In her book, [Monckton Smith] writes at the end, that her own daughter ends up in a case of coercive control and you can’t just barge in and change it because the victim has to buy into the idea that they are being coercively controlled.(Related: What Is Gaslightingand How to Tell if Youre Experiencing It)

I imagine when people hear the first few episodes, their response is: Why didnt you leave? But as you say, it is much more complicated than that.

Yes, it is. People also ask: Did you see red flags? I don’t think red flags exist. They exist for people observing from the outside who can see it maybe a little more dispassionately.

I really relate to the urge to barge in when you see a loved one in danger. But when you were going through it, was there anything anyone could have said to break that cycle?

Not when I was in the thick of it, no. When it comes to someone who’s a victim of [domestic violence], the level of shame and unworthiness is already there, right? So, the idea that you are worthy of having a different kind of life is really a hard one. I have not tried to get someone else out of a situation like that and I think it would be very hard. We have real professionals who work with that. They’re very careful to help people see that there are options they don’t realize they have.

You mentioned how working Farzana Doctor really helped you. Do you have any advice for finding professionals to help in these situations?

We have a really sophisticated system for trying to help people now, which didn’t exist in the early 80s. So, we have resources out there where people can ask professionals how to move forward. I will also say, look for somebody who does talk therapy. In my job, I’ve always been a big believer in the power of conversation and the therapy that I was doing is about a conversation. It’s not solely about finding the right personand I do accept that it’s hardbut it’s also about being at a point where you’re willing to open up.(Related:3 Survivors Share Their Stories of Escaping and Healing From Domestic Violence)

Now that youre sharing this story, I imagine youre getting a ton of responses. Have any been particularly meaningful for you?

I have been contacted by people I do not know, people I know pretty well and people I know in passing who have confided in me since realizing that I was going public with this. I was really taken by how many people mentioned their shame. It’s something that we carry, and it’s something that we shouldn’t be carrying. It would be such a wonderful thing for anyone to be able to release themselves from shame that was never theirs to have.

Do you have a message for people who are watching a loved one go through this right now and feel unsure of what to do?

I don’t think you can demand that they get out. You have to be there to help them when they feel it is safe for them to get out. Be available to listen without judgment. And then maybe go through resources and find out from people who work in this field what else you can do to be ready to help. It seems so simple, but listening is hard. And the more you listen, the more people will tell you and the more they will tell you about their fears and what they hope for themselves.

What do you hope listeners take away from Welcome to Paradise?

I really do want people to understand that they are worthy, because that’s the hardest thing, you know? That somehow you think you deserve that kind of treatment. And you don’t.This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.Next: 12 Things Most People Dont Realize About Domestic Violence

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How to Avoid Family Conflict This Holiday Season

Hannah Sung — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 11:00:24 +0000

We dream of family holidays as a time of love, light and laughter, but a pot on the stove may not be the only thing simmering in the background.Last year at this time, one in four Canadians were feeling moderate to extreme levels of anxiety and were binge drinking. COVID case counts were climbing, restrictions were tightening and in many places across Canada, families were not able to celebrate together. This year, with more than 75 percent of Canadians fully vaccinated, holiday gatherings are likely to resume, along with the potential for family tension and disagreements.Lana MacLean is a clinical social worker and community advocate based in Halifax, where she is an eighth generation African-Nova Scotian. We asked her for some tips on how to navigate holiday gatherings during a time when conversations about COVID and vaccination status can become tricky.(Related: Dont Try to Change Someones Reality: How My New Blended Family Survived Covid Lockdown)

As a therapist, do you often have people asking for help with family conflict?

Unfortunately, yes. But if people are seeking therapy, theyre looking for some form of reconciliation or resolution. So I think of conflict as an opportunity to stretch and grow families, not as a place to be oppositional. Therapy is about interrogating and exploring the origin of our beliefs.

Is a holiday dinner a good time for having conversations that interrogate our values and beliefs? For example, with the COVID vaccines?

No. I caution families, if youre going to be celebrating holidays, those conversations need to be held prior to the event, not during the event.When we hosted Thanksgiving this year, my husband and I had a serious conversation about how we wanted to communicate our boundaries about keeping people safe. And so we sent a group text. We said, Looking forward to having everyone at Thanksgiving dinner. However, were being mindful and asking people to attend only if you have your vaccine.We have to look out for the best interest of all. Youre welcome to a table we set up outside but you will not be walking indoors unless you are vaccinated.My nephew, who is 22, said, OK, Aunt Lana. Im disappointed but Ill show up and have dessert outdoors. I didnt know he wasnt vaccinated. He said, Can I get a to-go plate? I said, Of course you can.

How did Thanksgiving go?

Amazing! My family members who were not vaccinated made a decision to stay home because the weather was precarious.My husband and I set the tone for family members to have reasonable expectations without guilt. Our family was receptive to those boundaries and, without any conflict, people realized its not about them, its about the family.

Some people may say they want to talk sense into their family members. Do you feel any of that?

None at all. If we come from a place of anger, it only triggers other peoples defensiveness. I come from a non-judgmental place to say, I have a responsibility to the people that I love. So if you love us, youll understand that this is not about excluding you, its actually giving you a choice of being included.I work from a values perspective. The choice not to get a vaccine is a value. It only sets [us] up for animosity [to judge or try to change someones decision]. I mitigate the negative emotions that can be triggered by saying, Well, if this is your path, heres the option I have available.

You say that choosing not to get vaccinated is a value. Can you explain?

As you know, Im African Nova Scotian. People in the BIPOC community, our lifeline is in the collective, not in the individual. We are so interconnected as a community.If youre making an individual choice [of not being vaccinated], people will straight up tell you, You need to think about what this means for Granny or the kids in our family who are under 12. A lot of racialized communities have co-morbiditieshealth issues like diabetes, cardiac health, asthma, respiratory distressesas a result of health inequities.It becomes difficult if you look at it like, Im going to become an island, this is my individual choice. You lose some of your social support network.

So youre saying that its on the host to prepare and set boundariesand trying to change someones mind should not be on the menu at all.

Its done. I dont believe the dinner table or family gatherings are the time to talk about who does or doesnt have the vaccine. For Thanksgiving, we do a potluck. My husband and I do the turkey, salmon and ham and my auntie Sherry Ann brings a big pan of mac and cheese and my brother-in-law does a big, wonderful potato salad. And he said, Its those things were looking forward to, not talking about COVID. In my family, its a time to play the piano and sing. This year, for the first time, there was a TikTok dance-off. So its about how were going to set that time up. And sometimes having that structure doesnt allow us to fall down what I call the COVID rabbit hole and get distracted. Lets take time to celebrate with each other.

What general guidance do you give to someone whos nervous about a family gathering and conflict?

Come early, leave early. And let the host know. Figure out whos in the room, who are the potential triggers and how youre going to cognitively prepare to show up. Instead of all eight hours of the day, show up for two hours. You can say, Im going to come for supper, but I have to be somewhere else for dessert.Two, dont drink excessively. Drinking can lower inhibitions. And also, our tolerance for certain peoples behaviour can become thinner.Three, you dont have to be physically present. You can Zoom in for a little bit.Also, lower your expectations of people. Have reasonable expectations of yourself and for others. Dont go and say this is going to be the best Christmas, Thanksgiving, wedding, anniversary ever. Thats just not your familys functioning. Have some realistic expectations of who you can align with there and who will be your trouble points. And if the trouble point comes along, you know that you and your ally have a little code word to say, Im out.Most importantly, go and spend time with the people that you do align with. You dont have to get along with everyone. Theres a lot you can learn at the kids table and at the elders table. So choose who you want to spend time with in those gatherings.And when you need to leave, pre-program it on your phone or have somebody ring you. Just say, OK, theres my call. I have to leave. Wonderful seeing everyone. And exit. You dont need an excuse to leave. Just like you dont need an excuse to enter.

Is there anything you want to add that you feel is important for readers who are slightly nervous about the holidays?

Know that the nervousness or anxiety comes from a history. Dont try to untangle those roots when you only have four or five hours. The goal of family celebrations is to spend time together, not to have big debates that there will be impasses on. This is not the time or place to decide to go on a rant. Its a time and place to say, Nice to see you.This interview has been edited and condensed.Hannah Sungs column appears monthly(ish) on Best Health. Its adapted from her (excellent) newsletter, At The End Of The Day. If youre interested in reading more, sign up for it down below or click here.Next: I Need You to Know that Vacation Doesnt Solve Burnout

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I Stayed in an Abusive Relationship Because I Didn’t See Myself as Being Abused

Ellie M., as told to Charlotte Hilton Andersen — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 13:00:13 +0000

If you would have told me that one day I would be in an abusive relationshipand that I would choose to stay in it for over two yearsmy feisty, smart, strong, opinionated, kickboxing self would never have believed you. But I think it took me so long to get out because I didnt feel like I fit a stereotypical abused woman image. Even though I was dragged, hit, choked, publicly humiliated, raped and threatened with death multiple times, I didnt see myself as abused; I didnt think I could be abused.

My relationship with Collin (names have been changed) started when I was just 18. We met at college where I was going to school and I thought he was too. Our relationship didnt start out violent. In fact, it was a fairytaleand would turn out to be just as fictitious. Collin was everything Id ever wanted in a partner and since I didnt have a lot of relationship or life experience at that point in my life it was easy for him to shape himself into my fantasy. He took me to fancy dinners and on long walks down the beach. We talked about everything until dawn. We spent every spare minute together. I was head over heels in love and after just a few months Id even mentally decided he was the one I wanted to marry.

Friends and family seemed wary of him, particularly of our age difference, but I thought they were just jealous. I had found true love at 18. Some people were just lucky like that.

I should have listened

Their concerns were well-founded. Unfortunately, it was all too easy to ignore themsomething Collin encouraged by making it harder and harder to spend time with them. For instance, when I went home for Thanksgiving break he drove six hours to my parents home and insisted I leave right before dinner started. I went with him because hed driven so far and said it was a crisis. When I discovered the crisis was just that he was bored and lonely and I insisted on going back, he took my car keys so I couldnt leave. It was only then I noticed that hed insisted on going to a spot in the mountains where there was no cell phone reception.

He didnt allow me to go home until after midnight and my family was panicking since they hadnt heard from me. I was embarrassed and upset but I didnt want to look dumb so I told them his grandmother had died, an excuse that seemed appropriate at the time. Still, I thought it was kind of romantic that I was the only person in the world who truly understood him (as he had told me), so I brushed it off.

From there things escalated, but at an incremental pace. He was always pushing me just a little farther, emotionally and physically. It was so subtle at first that I hardly noticed how far past my original boundaries Id gone. Yet I kept making excuses for him, rationalizing his behavior. Maybe I hadnt been clear enough? Maybe he just needed more attention right now?

Then one night it got really physical. Wed had an argument earlier in the day and Id felt a tenseness in the air even though he didnt say anything about it. Once we were alone, he unleashed his anger on me, choking and then sexually assaulting me. I cried. Yet when he finished, his finger marks still red on my neck, he had a violent reactionbut in the opposite direction. He seemed even more upset than I was, crying and shaking until I found myself comforting him. He kept repeating, Look what you made me do! It was one of the strangest nights of my life and I felt like I couldnt trust my own perceptions. So I believed his.

The abuse continued to get worse

As the abuse escalated and I began to see patterns, I would put myself in them. He told me horrible things so many times that I started repeating them myself: I was the crazy one. I was the one with out-of-control emotions. I asked too much. I wasnt pretty enough. It was all my fault. I deserved to be hurt and humiliated. If I could just be better this wouldnt keep happening to me.

To an outsider, this must sound insane. And it is. Id lost touch with my reality because hed so completely supplanted mine with his twisted version.

After a couple of years of this treatment, it really did feel normal. My self-esteem was non-existent. He told me no one would ever love me besides him. And I believed it. Then he told me he would kill me. And I believed that too. I didnt think there was any way out for me, I was in too deep and had made too many mistakes. I knew that I was going to die young and it would be at his hands. I was so sure of it, I even made a box with pictures, journals, and other evidence of what hed done to me. I sealed it with a note to my family telling them good-bye and how sorry I wasnot so they could catch him, just so theyd have some closure.

And that might have been how my story ended. Except then he proposed. As I stared at the ring on my finger, I remember thinking that this should be the happiest moment of my life but all I felt was numb. That weekend I drove home to show my mom. Her reaction floored me. She went ballistic, crying and telling me that she just couldnt stand by and watch this happen anymore. She didnt even know the half of it but she knew enough to know I was in danger. I remember her crying and telling me she would send me to another country, change my name, whatever it took to get me away from him, but I wouldnt be going back to school and I certainly wouldnt be going back to him. She took the ring and my phone and as I lay in my childhood bed, far away from his reach, things finally started to make sense and I realized my mom was right.

How I ended up leaving him is another story. It wasnt easy but I did it and I now have a wonderful, happy life. Yet every time I hear people talk about women in domestic violence situationsin the news or rumors about real-life acquaintancesit takes me right back to that dark place. I always hear people ask Why doesnt she just leave? That question, and the carefree way people ask it, always chills me.

I know why women dont leave abusive situations

First, because its not just that easy. Abusers make sure of that. There are many big reasons women dont leave their abusers: Financial dependency, threats against children or other loved ones, nowhere else to go, and physical isolation. But there are so many smaller reasons too: The gradual shift from trusting their version of events more than your own, the social isolation from anyone who could provide a dose of reality, the constant belittling and underminingand, yes, the lingering feelings of love.

After all, he was kind, funny, and charming more often than he was the monster who hurt me. Who was I to say I deserved more?

He had groomed me so well that the erosion of boundaries and my sense of self happened so subtly that I barely questioned it. For me, there was also a keen embarrassment of becoming a person I never thought I could be. I felt weak and dumb, ugly and scared, out of control of my life, and if I admitted the truth of my situation, then I was accepting that I really was those bad things.

And thats what people whove never been in an abusive relationship cant understand. You become a different person, one thats more the abuser than yourself. That may be the cruelest thing my ex did to me, stripping me of my sense of self and everything precious to me until all that was left in my life was him and, therefore, without him I would have no life.

Ive been through many years of therapy since leaving Collin. It took me at least a year to finally be able to untangle these thoughts and to see them for the lies and manipulations they were. I remember sitting in my therapists office one day, looking through the pictures from my farewell box, and seeing the deep bruises, bloodied clothes, and tear-stained pages. I studied them like I was reading a sad news story that happened to a stranger far away. She looked at them and cried. I watched her cry and for the first time, I began to feel sympathy for that poor, young, vulnerable girl who was so hurt. That girl who was me. I had shed many tears during and about that relationship but that afternoon was the first time I cried for me. That was the moment I finally truly left that relationship for good.

Leaving an abusive relationship takes time and effort. So instead of asking women Why dont you leave? perhaps we should simply be asking, How can I help you? If you or someone you know is in a crisis situation, use Shelter Safe’s resources to find a domestic violence phone line for your province or territory, or search for a service that can help.

Next: 15 Signs That Your Relationship Could Turn Abusive

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7 Friendship Stories that Prove the Importance of BFFs

Rebecca Gao — Thu, 07 Oct 2021 19:14:19 +0000

(Left to right: Jasmine Malhotra, Lisa Mattam, Shalimar Santos-Comia)

The importance of friendships

Friendships are, quite literally, life-saving. Studies show that people with strong social relationships increase their odds of survival by 50 percent. And the results hold regardless of the persons age, gender, health status and cause of death. Study after study shows that social connectivity not only generates emotional well-being, it has real physical benefits, too: it boosts our immune and cardiovascular systems, lowers the risk of depression and dementia, and improves our stress responses and the quality of our sleep.These are across-the-board benefits; they dont discriminate based on the sort of friendship you have. And friendship can look very different it might have developed in childhood or in an office cubicle; it can last generations or cross generations; it can be kept all in the family.We teamed up with photographer Natalia Dolan, who founded The Girl Friends Project in 2018, to share seven friendship stories. In our society, we prioritize a big message to young girls that finding a romantic soulmate is the end goal, she says. But I believe we should be instilling in their minds the seeking and offering of a supportive friendship as the first focus. With my friends, Im accepted and celebratedno matter my mistakes, shortcomings and life choices. There is so much love in friendships, and people forget that. I wanted to create a project to remind them.Good friends are the antidote to the stresses of daily life, and the pandemic has made these relationships feel more important than ever. They deserve our attention and special care. After all, we get by with (more than) a little help from our friends.(Related:9 Ways to Make Friends as an Adult)

(Top row, from left to right: Baljit Singh, Rupi Kaur, Gagan Bassi, Kiran Kai. Bottom row, from left to right: Bali Bassi, Keerat Kaur).

The social network

In 2013, when visual artist Kiran Rai was a teenager living in Brampton, Ont., she became involved with an organization that created arts and cultural events for youth, by youth. It was there she met Baljit Singh, Gagan Bassi, Rupi Kaur, Bali Bassi and Keerat Kaur, who are now her closest friends.It was such a boys club, and I was sick and tired of it, says Rai. Any time I saw a girl who was even remotely interested in creative stuff, I would push them. Each of Rais besties, who all have their own creative endeavours now, can remember a moment when Rai encouraged them to move beyond their comfort zone. [Rai] sees versions of other people that they havent even stepped into yet, says artist and architect Keerat Kaur.Before poet Rupi Kaur was topping bestseller lists, having her work translated into 25 languages and starring in an Amazon Prime special, her biggest fans and supporters were these friends. Milk and Honey, the collection of poetry she self-published in 2014, was the groups first major collaboration together. They all hawked copies at events, and Gagan Bassi stocked them at her clothing store.These days, the friends are separated by busy schedules, so theyve migrated to chatting on FaceTime for hours on end about everything from family drama to upcoming projects.(Related:Going the Distance: How Covid Has Remapped Friendships)

(Left to right: Shalu Bains, Laura Rosella)

Always on call

When COVID-19 arrived in Canada, Shalu Bains, the Vice President of performance and business intelligence at Trillium Health Partners (which owns several hospitals in Mississauga, Ont.), knew her team needed to be well-informed. She reached out to Laura Rosella, an epidemiologist and the chair of Trilliums research institute, for help.In the early months of the pandemic, Rosella and Bains met online every day (including weekends) to look at the daily COVID models and try to figure out what Trilliums hospitals could expect. They quickly learned how much they had in common: They were both mothers and working professionals, both valued family and, most importantly, shared a passion for the human side of statistics. Each of those numbers are people, and when speaking to Laura about it, it felt like a work conversation, but we were actually talking about how we see the world, says Bains. Their work calls soon became late-night texts in which they confided in each other: None of my friends were on the other side. They werent seeing people in the hospitals, says Rosella.When the two finally met for the first time (sans screens), it was pure serendipitythey bumped into each other at the same vaccine clinic as they were both receiving their second doses. You know when things happen in the universe you cant explain? says Rosella. Im not a superstitious person, but so many things had to go right. Like, one more stoplight and that wouldnt have happened.”(Related:Lessons From The Pandemic: How I Learned to Prepare For The Unknown)

(Left to right: Deanne Rose, Chante Smith)

Bestie goals

When Chante Smith moved to Alliston, Ont., in the eighth grade, she immediately knew shed be best friends with Deanne Rose. I just felt a connection right away, Smith says.Since then, Rose and Smith have been constants in each others lives, even as miles separate them. Rose, who plays for the Olympic goldwinning Canadian womens soccer team, credits Smith as a huge source of support. Having someone in your life that you can call for whatever situation is so underrated, she says. When the Olympics were cancelled, I could rely on Chante as an outletwe didnt have to talk about any of it. For her part, Smith says that when Rose won the gold medal in Tokyo, she felt like she had won, too.(Related:5 Olympian-Worthy Coping Strategies to Use During the Pandemic)

(Left to right: Geri Rockstein, Sue Foster)

Golden girls

When Geri Rockstein met Sue Foster in Montreal in the 70s, they bonded over their mutual love of fashion, fitness and sushi. Eventually, they both settled in Toronto and supported each other through breakups, cross-country moves and the death of loved ones. Over the years, their friendship deepened into something closer to sisterhood.In 2018, Rockstein suffered a stroke. Doctors said she only had a one in four chance of fully recovering. When I first woke up from a coma, I could barely speak. In fact, I could only say three words: yes, no and fuck. Sue was by my side the whole way. She was my lifeline. Stepping into the role of caregiver wasnt something Foster was conscious of doing at the time. Weve been close for so many years, we knew each other so well, that was just what I did, she says. I didnt think twice about it.Rockstein says Fosters care meant everything. She has since made a full recovery, and the two continue to go out for sushi at least once a week and take long walks around the city to stay active and connected.(Related:How to Keep Your ‘Big Friendships’ Alive, Especially During a Pandemic)

(Left to right: Shalimar Santos-Comia, Lisa Mattam, Jasmine Malhotra)

The kids are alright

Since meeting in their teens, the connection between Lisa Mattam, Shalimar Santos-Comia and Jasmine Malhotra has been strengthened by shared family values and a deep trust in one another.The three friends have always provided good advice and unwavering support for one anotherwhether it be odd-hour phone calls, catching up on the sidelines of a baseball game or late-night driveway sessions once their kids are in bed.During the pandemic, Mattam and Malhotras families bubbled together, which allowed them to have much-needed face-to-face hangs. The hardest thing about the pandemic for me was not being able to see people, says Malhotra. I can give up restaurants and outings and travel, but to be taken away from my people was really hard.During that time, Santos-Comias brother had a recurrence of cancer, and she knew she could confide in Mattam. [Lisa] knows what Im going through before I even say it, says Santos-Comia. It meant so much because I didnt have to articulate everything perfectly.They are my family, says Mattam. Its unconditional.(Related:“Dont Try to Change Someones Reality”: How My New Blended Family Survived Covid Lockdown)

(Left to right: Danielle Caira, Jenna Caira, Nadia Caira)

Family matters

The Caira sisters have always been close, and the pandemic only solidified how strong our family relationship is, says Jenna, the youngest sister and an Olympic bronze medalwinning softball pitcher. During lockdown, the family connected by doing workouts five days a week for nearly five months, all over FaceTime, with Jenna leading the circuits.When the Tokyo Olympics were cancelled in March 2020, Jennas sisters provided some much-needed perspective. Even if the Olympics didnt happen, I knew I was going to be okay because they reminded me that I had so much more to live for than just the game, Jenna says. The older Caira sisters fretted about negative Olympics news in their separate chat, knowing it wouldnt be helpful to Jenna when she needed to focus on training.The Cairas are now making up for the family gatherings they missed out on over the past 18 months. First up: Jennas wedding, where Danielle will be the officiant and Nadia the maid of honour.(Related:8 Women Share the Impact the Pandemic Has Had on Their Mental Health)

(Left to right: Tina Beauchamp, Lazzara Hines)

Perfect strangers

Tina Beauchamp had been waiting for years to find a match through Big Brothers Big Sisterss Big G program, which connects folks age 55 and up with kids in their community. She finally got the call early this year to meet nine-year-old Lazzara Hines. It was so worth the wait, Beauchamp says.They first met virtually in February 2021, and to break the ice, Hines taught Beauchamp how to fold a paper crane. By the end of their call, Beauchamp was blown away by Hiness patience and how willing she was to teach her Big Sister. The two FaceTimed at least once a week all winter long, playing games, tackling homework and chatting about life. During the summer, they were finally able to meet in person and fell into a routine of going on long walks, which often ended with an ice cream cone.While Beauchamp credits Hines for teaching her about patience, Hines thanks her Big Sister for teaching her how to come out of her shell. Ive always been shy, but now I know to say hi and thank you whenever someone is being nice, Hines says. As Toronto continues to open up, the pair are excited to explore more of the city. Beauchamp plans on taking Hines to movies, parks and museums.Next, Here are 4 Stretches to Improve Range of Motion as You Age

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Online Dating: Would You Date Someone Who’s Unvaccinated?

Sadaf Ahsan — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 17:47:36 +0000

A few months into 2021, I started to feel a familiar itch. With the vaccination rollout making normal life feel more accessible, I was ready to start swiping on dating apps again. Especially with so many people hyping up a potential hot vax summer, referencing the thirsty hordes rushing to hookup after getting vaccinated. Post-pandemic dating sounded super steamy.But as I swiped through profile after profile, I noticed something new: alongside my usual filtersage, distance, astrological signI was also narrowing the pool based on vaccination status.Bumble reported seeing an increase in the number of users including vaccine or vaccinated in their profilesas did OKCupidand now allows Canadians to set their COVID preferences, such as whether theyre comfortable with indoor dates.Hinge and Bumble recently started offering Canadian users a little badge to indicate who has received their COVID-19 vaccine. And in the U.S., the White House teamed up with dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble and OKCupid to offer perks, like getting access to premium content, for those who get vaccinated and note it.I’ve spotted profiles where the main photo is simply a vaccination confirmation cardapparently an even more attractive option than a selfie. For others, fully vaccinated is the only line on their bio; it’s the first topic of conversation oras I’ve found the last. As I scrolled through a feed of pretty faces, I wondered, Is it OK to swipe left on someone based on their vaccine status?

Your vaccination status is not hot

So says Toronto-based sexual health and consent educator, Samantha Bitty.”When vaccines first became available, many people boasted about their vaccination status, and it functioned like a class marker, she says, referencing Ontario, where vaccines were not initially distributed in an equitable way to racialized populations and low-income neighbourhoods. We definitely need to be having the conversation [about vaccine status and dating], because it is a health benefit to know, particularly for those who are at risk or live with family. But it is another layer of desirability politics, while so many are already navigating racism, transphobia, ableism, etc.”And that’s where it gets thorny. Sure, many of us posted vaccine selfies and shared our status proudly as a way of celebrating and supporting vaccine efforts in Canada. Adding vaccine status to dating apps is different, Bitty explains, because “leveraging it to get to have sex is messy, and presents as a virtue signal depending on how you share it.” In other words, while it advertises whats important to the personwhich can be helpfulit can also communicate that vaccine status is all that matters and inherently implies that a vaccinated person is superior (read: wealthier, smarter, more attractive).(Related: I Was Ashamed I Tested Positive for COVID-19)

But at this point, does vaccine status reflect someones values?

When I asked friends of mine how they’ve been navigating dating during the pandemic, many said they refuse to meet someone unless they’re at least half vaccinated. Others said “establishing chemistry first is important” and some even “forget to ask” or decide to “just figure it out if we gel.”Which is worth noting, because at this point in Canadas pandemic response, not getting vaccinated is less an issue of access and more one of choiceor in some cases, a stance.Take, for instance, a recent conversation I had with a gorgeous, hilarious man on Bumble. We hit off and even made plans to meet. And then I remembered to ask: “Are you vaccinated?” He launched into an essay-length diatribe about why he doesn’t “believe” in vaccines and thinks they’re a scam for the government to gain more control over humanity. I debated this with him and encouraged him to please get vaccinated, but it occurred to me: this is not someone I feel safe going on a date with simply for my own health. So I unmatched him. And I felt guilty.(Related: What You Need to Know About COVID Variants in Canada)

Why guilty?

Thats the first question Angela Ivy Leong, a Vancouver-based sex and relationship therapist, asked when I called her about this conundrum. I explained that I feel as if I’m judging people in a new way, and it doesn’t seem fair. Her response? “It’s absolutely fair. You’re speaking your truth, you’re saying, ‘Well, this is what I’m comfortable with.As a sex and relationship therapist, Leong has seen several couples struggle in the past year because their ways of dealing with COVID-19 are so different. So it’s important that you know this person’s views and if they’re different from yours, because it can get really hard to add that layer to a relationship, she says.(Related: How the Pandemic Changed How We Feel When We Feel Left Out)

Vaccine status is a new facet of consent

We’re often told to avoid complicated subjects on first datespolitics, religion, moneybut during COVID, addressing the big vaccine question early on has become essential, and it opens the door to have important conversations about STIs and consent. And there’s no denying that vaccination status is political.”The dating pool has become extremely polarized, especially if you are someone who is politically engaged, if you’re racialized, if you’re a woman,” says Bitty. “I have screened people for shared values, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s about what your intention is when your profile photo is your vaccination card or the only line on your page. Is it truthful? Are you sharing it to be health conscious, or are you trying to make yourself more desirable?COVID-19 vaccines have spurred ongoing debate around privacy and public health, and things get even messier in the online dating world. But one thing is clear: informed consent in the bedroom is crucial for having a fun, healthy time. So, what is the smoothest way to do this in 2021?The answer, Ive realized, is asking what you want to know and doing what you can with the information you’re given, because ultimately, its about how safe you feel. The dating game has always been messy. The key is to protect yourself, practice informed consent, and remember that knowing someone’s vaccination status can give you some insight into their ideologies. And that’s essential when it comes to relationships.Next, read The Honest, Expert-Backed Truth About Having Sex While on Your Period.

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Are You in a Situationship? How to Tell and What to Do About It

Emily DiNuzzo, The Healthy — Wed, 28 Jul 2021 14:13:03 +0000

Situationships are confusing to define and open to interpretation.The catch-all definition of a situationship is an undefined romantic relationship, according to sex and relationship therapist Joe Kort.”It isnt given the same value or credit that a romantic love relationship would be if one is dating and looking for a permanent or long-term partner,” he says.Situationships may involve sex and romance, but they don’t have the trajectory to move forward to a mature, loving relationship. Think of it essentially as short-term dating without an agenda.Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University in New York City, adds that situationships don’t have any goals, terms, or purpose.”A primary reason situationships are formed in the first place is because of the uncertainty that comes along with hookup culture,” Hafeez says.In some cases, people may be nervous about defining the relationship too early. So, they end up waiting around in the situationship grey area.Paul Hokemeyer, a clinical and consulting psychotherapist in New York and author ofFragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough, thinks situationships are simply another word for hookups.He says the primary objective is sexual gratification rather than emotional enrichment. These non-relationship relationships form because of a biological need for a sexual release with just enough human connection with a partner, says Hokemeyer.We spoke with experts about the ins and outs of situationshipsand how they could impact your emotional and mental health.(Related: Is Depression Affecting Your Relationship? 8 Ways to Tell)

How to tell if you are in a situationship

Hafeez says a simple way to know if you’re in a situationship is if the relationship is undefined.”Hookup culture has made defining relationships very confusing and stressful,” she says.”If you have been seeing a person for a while, but haven’t had the ‘what are we doing’ conversation, then you most likely are in a situationship.”Kort adds that people dont talk about it and just let it flow and assume it is a situationship. Or they talk about it from time to time without defining it too much or at all.Another red flag or sign of a situationship is inconsistency.If you’ve been either hooking up with or seeing someone for a long time, but you never know the next time youll see them again, you probably are in a situationship, according to Hafeez.There’s no agenda on when or if you will see each other again, and time together is purely situational. There’s no counting on each other, expectations, or meeting of friends or family necessarily.”There is no talk about the future because there may or may not be one,” Kort says. “And it will organically go in the direction it was meant to be.”Even though they may text or call, it’s sporadic. And it’s one way people in situationships are breadcrumbing.Marriage and family therapist Jane Greer,author ofWhat About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, says this usually works for one person and not the other.”It works for the person who wants no commitment and no accountability and no real involvement,” she says.The bottom line is you’re not that important to the person you’re in the situationship with, according to Greer. People in situationships don’t want to be held to anything.”To have no expectations of another person is a get out of jail free card,” Greer says.(Related: Are You the Toxic One in the Relationship?)

Are labels really that important?

If a situationship is an umbrella term, is it even a label worth using?Hokemeyer personally likes the name.”It suits, and I like having a label to put on things,” he says. “Labels enable us to clearly identify what’s going on and give us power to walk toward or away from that which we’ve labeled.”Kort agrees saying that he thinks it matters what we call things because it provides a framework.For example, if you think you’re in a “friends with benefits” situation, but the other person thinks it’s a situationship, lots can go wrong.What the difference? Generally, both people in a friends-with-benefits situation know that the relationship is mostly platonic and not destined to become a long-term relationship, even if they occasionally have sex.That’s not true with a situationship, where the expectations may not match.”You need to be on the same page, even if both of you agree to be vague about what is going on, like in a situationship,” Kort says.Hafeez says that if you’re knowingly in a situationship, it doesn’t really matter whether you actually call it that or not.”The bottom line is, you are in a relationship with no boundaries, goals, or consistency,” she says.Greer says it’s less about the label itself and more about awareness of the situation and reality.”It’s important to know you’re on a roller coaster because if you’re afraid of heights, you won’t get on,” she says.(Related: Are You Self-Sabotaging Relationships? Heres What to Do)

What’s the difference between early dating and a situationship?

The main distinction between a situationship and early dating is forward motion and expansion, according to Greer.For example, over time, you might start spending more time together, share intimate details of your life, or meet friends if you are getting to know someone to develop a relationship.”There’s a growth component that’s involved in dating that moves it forward,” Greer says. In a situationship, it doesn’t go anywhere.”You take whatever the person is prepared to give you,” she says. Again, people in a situationship lack accountability and may break plans or not follow through.(Related: This Is the Scientific Reason Why Couples Get Back Together After a Breakup)

Are there any positives to situationships?

One good thing is they can be a lot of fun, according to Hokemeyer. “They can fill the day or evening with excitement,” he says.Some people in a situationship enjoy not having to deal with the pressure of the beginning of a relationship, Hafeez notes.”In some ways, not knowing each other’s end goals can help the couple grow closer together,” she says.Kort says that a situationship could be perfect for some people aware of unresolved issues, traumas, and past hurts because they don’t have to go too deep and know that they can protect themselves.(Related:18 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life According to Sex Therapists)

There are plenty more risks

One of the primary risks is that one person could develop feelings for the other person. This could harm your emotional and mental health if expectations are unclear.”If the emotions continue building without ever defining the relationship, the person will start to feel as if the feelings are not reciprocated,” Hafeez says.Plus, people in extended situationships could develop negative self-esteem, according to Hafeez.Unless you know you don’t want commitment and certainty in your life, a situationship is only going to create an undercurrent of anxiety, Greer says.The lack of consistency and accountability is a recipe for anxiety.If the feelings are unrequited, trying to convince someone to commit to you could ultimately lead to rejection, feelings of unworthiness, or an unhealthy relationship.”If you are secretly hoping for more or have convinced yourself you can do it, but the whole time you are distressed, it could lead to problems for yourself,” Kort says.It can also harm your mental health in that you start obsessing about the other person.(Related:What Is a Toxic Relationship? What Therapists Need You to Know)

Who should walk away from situationships?

On the surface, Hokemeyer has no problem with situationships. However, it could be messy for people really built for long-term relationships and struggle with intimacy issues.People who might especially want to avoid situaitonships are those looking for long-term meaningful connections with other people, as well as codependent people or people who develop romantic feelings quickly.”For these people, any short term pleasure will be greatly outweighed by long term psychic pain,” Hokemeyer says.Kort says that those with high levels of anxiety or a history of unhealed or unresolved trauma are also at risk if in a situationship. The lack of strong connection could be triggering.Even your attachment style could also play a role, too. Attachment style is how you bond, with some people being secure or confident, while others tending to be more insecure or anxious in relationships.”If your attachment style is insecure or anxious, then this could get in the way of tolerating a casual relationship like this without rules,” Kort says.If you have a dependent personality and need feedback and attention, situationships could lead to low self-esteem and negative feelings.Other people who may want to avoid this type of relationship are those who haven’t healed post-breakup, insecure people, and easily jealous people.(Related:6 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship)

What therapists recommend for people in situationships

Situationships are not always bad, but if your goal is a relationship, a situationship is not for you, Hafeez says.Hokemeyer’s advice is to be honest about what you really want and what you’re getting in a situationship. And know going in that a great value in the situationship is that you can get out.”Stay conscious and connected to how you are doing and feeling during this situationship,” Kort says.”If at any time you feel it is jeopardizing your mental health I recommend you either abort, take a break or check-in with a friend or therapist to give you some feedback.”(Related:5 Factors Linked to Successful Relationships, According to Science)

How to get out of a situationship

Get out just like you got in, Hokemeyer advisees, quickly and cleanly. “There is no need to explain your decision or to assuage the other persons feelings,” he says.But do avoid ghosting.”I never believe in ghosting,” Kort says. “I think it is important to be direct with the other person letting them know that it is no long working and that you are moving on.”Opt for a direct conversation, Greer also suggests.Consider asking, “Am I a priority? Is spending time with me a priority?” Or asking if they think about spending more time together.She also recommends even directly asking if you are in a situationship. If you ask questions from a place of curiosity and not negativity, you’ll likely get clarity.(Related:7 Women Share How Pandemic Life Has Affected Their Relationships)

Can a situationship turn into a relationship?

In short, yes. And that’s fine if that’s where it goes. Just don’t make it an expectation, Kort notes. And prepare for the possibility of rejection.”Anything can turn into a relationship if the partners are compatible,” Hokemeyer adds.Essentially, the same conversation about getting out of a situationsip could theoretically lead to a relationship. Remember to communicate your needs and desires and to set firm boundaries with your partner.Next, check outthese 8 Habits of Happy Couples for Better Sexand More Intimacy

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